The Original Legend of the Ten Commandments

From: Bucketmouth 
Newsgroups: alt.stupidity
Subject: Re: The Ten Commandments
Date: Sat, 16 Aug 1997 23:19:10 +1000
Organization: Strategic centre for shaky logic and inconclusive wh....

This man is a Profit, he's the The Last Viking and thus he spaketh: 
 
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
>                          The True Church of Bacon's
>                               TEN COMMANDMENTS
> 
>         So, it just happened while I was sitting half asleep guarding my
> cattle, that one of Gods pigs came to visit me. Terrified I was of this
> divine sight, but it just said, "Oink, oink, oink." Which indicated that I
> should follow him to the oil-mountain.

It was a slippery slope, and so I grabbed the pig's tail and spake forth
unto it:

"Pull me pig, for I am large, and the oil-mountain is slippery. You have
pointy feet and are divine, therefore pulleth ... and I shall follow."

"Groink, froink", said God's holy pig, "Get in that mazda, driveth thee
as fast as thine are able, for I am God's pig, and am therefor much
faster up the slippery hill than thou meaty fingers could stand....
Oink."
    
>         For a whole day I drove after it, and as night fell upon us, we arrived
> at the oil-mountain. I got out at the car and looked curious at the pig,
> and it told me to climb up at the top of the mountain. I tried to explain to
> the pig that I couldn't drive up the mountainside with my car. It just
> ignored me and told me to use my feet, and that I would get assistance on
> the way.

On the way there was a social security office. This was God's social
security office, and so had the largest bureaucracy in the universe. I
asked which way it was to the enquiries desk so I could ask for
assistance, I was given a ticket and told to wait ... my request would
be dealt with in turn.

>         One week later I was on the mountain's top. A goat named Alban who I
> had met halfway had helped me. Anyway, at the top of the mountain I was
> standing all alone. As I screamed out Gods name it started to blow. Then
> suddenly there was a lightningbolt and there the divine Pig was, as if it
> has been there all the time. It then spoke to me. "I shall give you the law
> which your people shall follow. In return you'll have unlimited supplies of
> bacon."

I was suspicious about the pig now. The visit to God's social security
office had unhinged me, and I did not think highly of the pig's advice
for the moment... So I decided to use the universal power at my
fingertips to decode the true meaning of the pigs, obviously
well-intentioned, advice 
 
>         I got my laptop computer out of my rug-sack and wrote as the divine pig
> stuttered away. Here are the laws, in the purest form:
> 
>                             THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
>                         of The True Church of Bacon
> 
>                 I  THY SHALL NOT BURN YOUR BACON

Then I enetered this into my universal bacon decoder ... out came the
commandment:

I THOU SHALT COOK BACON ONLY ON A GAS STOVE

Hmmmm I thought ... that's a fairly close translation ... The holy pig
spaketh again:

>                II  THY SHALL NOT MIX BACON AND HAM

"A universal truth ... unquestionable", my laptop wrote.

>               III  THY SHALL NOT EAT YOUR NEIGHBOURS BACON

"Very ethical" came the answer back from the bacon decoder.

>                IV  THY SHALL NOT STEAL BACON

"Unless thine are verry hungry and see a spare one" said the computer

>                 V  THY SHALL NOT BE A LURKER

"What's a gurkha?" asked the decoder ... I hit the laptop, the screen
flickered, It made an impressive hummmmmmm.

>                VI  THY SHALL NOT HAIL BILL GATES

"MSN"... said the computer and began writing garbage onto its hard drive
...

>               VII  THY SHALL NOT KILL PIGS UNLESS YOU'RE REALLY HUNGRY

"You must kill the pig"... there was an air of instabitlity in the
typeface, the computer had begun to buckle under the psychic strain ...

>              VIII  THY SHALL NOT SALT YOUR BACON

"Duh" ... said the machine ... it was becoming reprehensible ...

>                IX  THY SHALL NOT INVITE HILLARY CLINTON FOR TEA

"Ehheheheehheeeeeee" ... said the crazed machine ...

>                 X  THY SHALL INVADE MARS

 

Warning ... Warning ... Bill Clone Alert!!!!

The Heinous and Blass Femur Rebuttal and Counter-Rebuttal

The Last Viking wrote:
> 
> The year is 2260. The place: alt.stupidity - and Bucketmouth wrote:
> :> This man is a Profit, he's the The Last Viking and thus he spaketh:
> :>
> :> > ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> :> >
> :> >                          The True Church of Bacon's
> :> >                               TEN COMMANDMENTS
> :> >
> :> >         So, it just happened while I was sitting half asleep guarding my
> :> > cattle, that one of Gods pigs came to visit me. Terrified I was of this
> :> > divine sight, but it just said, "Oink, oink, oink." Which indicated that I
> :> > should follow him to the oil-mountain.
> :>
> :> It was a slippery slope, and so I grabbed the pig's tail and spake forth
> :> unto it:
> :>
> :> "Pull me pig, for I am large, and the oil-mountain is slippery. You have
> :> pointy feet and are divine, therefore pulleth ... and I shall follow."
> :>
> :> "Groink, froink", said God's holy pig, "Get in that mazda, driveth thee
> :> as fast as thine are able, for I am God's pig, and am therefor much
> :> faster up the slippery hill than thou meaty fingers could stand....
> :> Oink."
> :>
> :> >         For a whole day I drove after it, and as night fell upon us, we arrived
> :> > at the oil-mountain. I got out at the car and looked curious at the pig,
> :> > and it told me to climb up at the top of the mountain. I tried to explain to
> :> > the pig that I couldn't drive up the mountainside with my car. It just
> :> > ignored me and told me to use my feet, and that I would get assistance on
> :> > the way.
> :>
> :> On the way there was a social security office. This was God's social
> :> security office, and so had the largest bureaucracy in the universe. I
> :> asked which way it was to the enquiries desk so I could ask for
> :> assistance, I was given a ticket and told to wait ... my request would
> :> be dealt with in turn.
> :>
> :> >         One week later I was on the mountain's top. A goat named Alban who I
> :> > had met halfway had helped me. Anyway, at the top of the mountain I was
> :> > standing all alone. As I screamed out Gods name it started to blow. Then
> :> > suddenly there was a lightningbolt and there the divine Pig was, as if it
> :> > has been there all the time. It then spoke to me. "I shall give you the law
> :> > which your people shall follow. In return you'll have unlimited supplies of
> :> > bacon."
> :>
> :> I was suspicious about the pig now. The visit to God's social security
> :> office had unhinged me, and I did not think highly of the pig's advice
> :> for the moment... So I decided to use the universal power at my
> :> fingertips to decode the true meaning of the pigs, obviously
> :> well-intentioned, advice
> :>
> :> >         I got my laptop computer out of my rug-sack and wrote as the divine pig
> :> > stuttered away. Here are the laws, in the purest form:
> :> >
> :> >                             THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
> :> >                         of The True Church of Bacon
> :> >
> :> >                 I  THY SHALL NOT BURN YOUR BACON
> :>
> :> Then I enetered this into my universal bacon decoder ... out came the
> :> commandment:
> :>
> :> I THOU SHALT COOK BACON ONLY ON A GAS STOVE
> :>
> :> Hmmmm I thought ... that's a fairly close translation ... The holy pig
> :> spaketh again:
> :>
> :> >                II  THY SHALL NOT MIX BACON AND HAM
> :>
> :> "A universal truth ... unquestionable", my laptop wrote.
> :>
> :> >               III  THY SHALL NOT EAT YOUR NEIGHBOURS BACON
> :>
> :> "Very ethical" came the answer back from the bacon decoder.
> :>
> :> >                IV  THY SHALL NOT STEAL BACON
> :>
> :> "Unless thine are verry hungry and see a spare one" said the computer
> :>
> :> >                 V  THY SHALL NOT BE A LURKER
> :>
> :> "What's a gurkha?" asked the decoder ... I hit the laptop, the screen
> :> flickered, It made an impressive hummmmmmm.
> :>
> :> >                VI  THY SHALL NOT HAIL BILL GATES
> :>
> :> "MSN"... said the computer and began writing garbage onto its hard drive
> :> ...
> :>
> :> >               VII  THY SHALL NOT KILL PIGS UNLESS YOU'RE REALLY HUNGRY
> :>
> :> "You must kill the pig"... there was an air of instabitlity in the
> :> typeface, the computer had begun to buckle under the psychic strain ...
> :>
> :> >              VIII  THY SHALL NOT SALT YOUR BACON
> :>
> :> "Duh" ... said the machine ... it was becoming reprehensible ...
> :>
> :> >                IX  THY SHALL NOT INVITE HILLARY CLINTON FOR TEA
> :>
> :> "Ehheheheehheeeeeee" ... said the crazed machine ...
> :>
> :> >                 X  THY SHALL INVADE MARS
> :>
> :>  

Warning ... Warning ... Bill Clone Alert!!!!